Stop Making Me Love You

A vibration on the bed next to me makes my head spin. Oh, please don't make me fall in love with you again tonight. I slowly pick up my phone. Yes, yes, it's from him. My heart sinks. Stop. Please. Stop. All I want is to move on, but I can't like this.

How's it going today? he asks.

Pretty good. What about you? How's work? I respond.

Uh, same old. How's the game going? he wonders.

Good. How do I beat this boss though? I ask in frustration. I can almost hear his smile as he explains it to me through the text message. I love him so much, but I can't tell him. No, I have to wait until I see him in person. I'll do it. I'll do it.

The conversation ends and I clutch my phone thinking about him. Every single night. Every single d**n night. He loves me, he loves me not. I scream internally. Why is this so hard?!? Why does he do this to me? I turn off my lamp and curl up in my sheets. Slowly, my mind begins to lose the battle against sleep and turns off. I love him. I love him.

Suddenly, he's here with me, though I know he's not really. He holds me close and I intertwine our fingers when our hands meet. I rest my head against his chest and let his heartbeat soothe me to sleep.

"I love you," I whisper, but I'm asleep before I can hear his imaginary response.

"Strong Independent Woman"

I'm a strong independent woman. Something that many people have told me and I know wholeheartedly. But I realized something about this phrase yesterday. During my Senior year of High School, I had a boy that I really liked. I still like him. He knows and we're still good friends. But yesterday we were playing a card game with some other friends, Nerts if you know how that goes, and he said, "You don't need to wait for him to play a card. You're a strong independent woman." A realization hit me like a ton of bricks when I got home and was thinking about it that night. 

I am strong, physically and emotionally. I am independent, I don't need people to complete my life or tell me what to do. I am woman, hear me roar. But more than that, I feel like this friend/crush was telling me something about our relationship. 

A little background first. We are both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In the next year or so, he will be going on a Church mission to spread our religion. While I want a relationship to progress, I don't want to distract him from this calling. Even if he likes me, we both know it will be short lived.

Continuing on, this friend/crush has called me a strong independent woman before. This is not a first time thing. I realized that it's his way of friend-zoning me. Obviously we both still want to be friends, but more just isn't practical. With this simple phrase, he's telling me that I don't need him to complete my life. In a way, it's almost like he's encouraging me not to hunt for a guy, but let the guy hunt me. And honestly, I'm about 95% okay with this. The other 5% comes from me being a hopeless romantic and so I want a relationship. 

Anyway, that's is for today. Continue being strong independent people!

E.K out!

Fake

We live in a fake world.
Behind fake smiles and
"I'm doing good."
We play a game daily.
It's called,
"How long can I hide emotions?"
But I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of telling people,
"I'm doing ok."
Because it's a lie.
I want to say,
"I'm not good.
I'm not even okay."
I'm anxious and depressed.
The LGBT community is supressed.
My best friend can't be a girl,
Because she was born a boy.
My brother is disabled
By no fault of anyone.
I can't pay for school
Because it's college.
I'm lost in a big world.
I'm tired of pretending.
I don't want to grow up,
But that'd only be an ending.
How much longer must we hide?
Behind our fake smiles
There is hurt.
But don't show it!
If you show it you've lost.
Go straight to jail.
Do not pass go.
Do not collet $200.
We live in a fake world.
A world of game pieces
And dice.
But we are not rolling
For our fate.
And the winner
Takes it all.

If I Never Knew You Letter #10

Erza K. and Kid
42-42-564
Death City, Japan

Finnian

S-01-22-008

Phantomhive Manor

London, England

Dear Finni,

We're coming to England! Me and Kid that is. I can't believe it's been 10 years since we've seen each other. Okay, so that's an exaggeration. But still, 10 years since we all graduated High School. 6 since we've seen each other. I was so happy to hear you've settled in England. I hope it's been treating you well. Kid is off doing something, or else I'd make him sit down and write with me.

I don't think you ever knew L and I were dating, let alone he proposed. You wouldn't have even heard that he died 3 years ago. We got married a few days before he died. It was just us and the judge. I even have a 2 year old named Abigail. She loves Kid and even calls him "Uncle Kid."

We've been living in Death City ever since L's death. Abigail was born here and Kid let's me teach. I'm teaching math, of course. The kids groan a lot, but they'll thank me when some mystical creature asked how to find the circumference of a circle. 

We're excited to see you again and hope everything is good.

Your friends, 

                    Erza Kirkland and Death the Kid

I almost forgot! I wrote you a poem! I'll write it on the back. 

10 years ago

We graduate.

Now I know

Life is fake.

Hello again!

Goodbye past.

Say, my friend

Can you last?

This troubled life

And waters roll

Through all strife,

We've one great goal.

Some say, "Survival is all."

But somehow, we've stayed tall.

If I Never Knew You Letter #9

Erza Kirkland
60-42-015
Japan

Death the Kid

42-42-564

Death City, Japan

Dear Kid,

He's dead. Kira killed him. I don't know what to do. I"m going to come see you. You always know how to make things better. I just don't know what to do.

No, no, no.

It can't be true.

It can't be real.

I can't lose you.

I cannot face

This life alone.

Take my hand.

Take me home.

No, no, no

It can't be true.

It can't be real.

I can't lose you.

This life I've found

Is lost again.

Now so am I.

My world's at end.

I can't believe

You'd go away,

And leave me here

To face the day.

No, no, no.

It can't be true.

It can't be real.

I can't lose you.

Now life is over.

My pain's complete.

Just let me go,

So we can meet.

No! No! No!

It won't be true!

It won't be real!

I won't lose you,

Or I won't heal.

No, I won't heal.

I'm so lost Kid. You've known me for so long. You know how much this hurts me. I'm getting on a train to come see you as soon as I mail this. You'll probably get this before I arrive, because I have to find Kiku and get him to take me to Death city. I know you can help me Kid and heaven knows I need it.

Erza

If I Never Knew You Letter #8

Death the Kid
42-42-564
Death City, Japan

Erza Kirkland

60-42-015

Japan

Dear Erza,

I wish you'd be more cheerful.

This gloomy nature isn't like you.

You know I think Kira is full of bull.

To kill L, he has to act true.

These worries you have

Are very real, my friend.

But I do wish you'd laugh

And forget about an imagined end.

It seems the world com's to a close

But I promise life goes on.

We both know that path you choose

Is truly where you forever belong.

I wish you the best

Because you deserve it.

I know it's not eloquent but it describes how I reacted to your last letter. I am so excited for you. I hope to be invited, but I understand if you can't. Things have been good here but Kira's threat still reaches to us even. Several misters have died because of heart attacks and the weapons are scared they're next. I don't know what to do. I'm considering shutting the city down. but that'll only cause more panic. Right now I am organizing a group to find Kira. He may not be eatin ghuman souls, but he's more or less kishan in spirit. I hope to see you soon.

Your friend,

                 Death the Kid

If I Never Knew You Letter #7

Erza Kirkland
60-42-015
Japan

Death the Kid

42-42-564

Death City, Japan

Dear Kid,

You won't believe what's happened! Well, actually, you probably will, but anyway. L proposed! We're currently back in Japan. L is working on a case here. He wants me to stay with you for my safety, but that's stupid. He always remains perfect secrecy. Just in case you haven't heard, there's a person killing criminals with a heart attack. They're calling him Kira. L has deduced that he needs a name and a face to kill. but enough about him. 

Me and L are going to have a simple wedding. Without a date or flowers. It's just going to be spontaneous. I'll try and let you know. After all, I need my man of honor. But I hope you understand why it might not happy. My parents aren't even invited. I called and told them about it, but they weren't too happy. I am a grown woman though and they have to accept my decision. They do love L though and trust him with me.

L is afraid to dying on this case. I know he won't want to get married if he's going to die. But you know me. I'll insist on getting married. I don't live with "what-ifs" every well. On the other hand, I don't want to be a widow. But you can't have it all. I'll just enjoy every minute we get together. I wrote a poem that sums up my feelings very well. I don't have room here, but I'll put it on the back.

His voice calls to me,

The shadows flee.

I cannot live

Without him.

I don't know

How I did before.

But I know

I can't again.

If he dies,

Lay me by him

And let this be my tribute.

That the girl who loved

Died by the same power.

Your friend forever,

                             Erza Kirkland